Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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