She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
