dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
