I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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