mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
