A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
