I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
