I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
