I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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