I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
