u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
