At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I want her autograph on my taint
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
