I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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