so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
