I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
