So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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