Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
