when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
