How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In other news, I just burned my penis
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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