you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
