i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
