saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
