fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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