Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
