I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
