best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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