He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
