This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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