shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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