The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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