I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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