I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we made out on top of his cat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
