Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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