Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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