I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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