im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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