I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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