i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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