I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice