so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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