When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"