I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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