whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
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I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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