They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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