Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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