I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
