i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
