I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry my hands just texted you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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