I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
