Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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