Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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