I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I still have a little drunk in my system
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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