4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
