i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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