I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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