I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
