There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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