the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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