I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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