I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
