You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
